Story time! Brace yourself, it's gonna be a boring one.
Like many women, I'm insecure about my body. No matter what state I'm in, or how many layers I'm wearing or how many pieces of cake I've refused, I still feel self-conscious.
I'm petite and I eat... hmm that should be my new slogan. Anyway, I have curves (but not in the sultry Sofia Vergara kinda way) and I enjoy tasty food and beverages. I'm top heavy with a larger bust and wide shoulders with larger arms than I'd like. Basically I perceive my body as an upside down triangle. Of course I want arms like Michelle Obama, abs like Jennifer Aniston and legs like Blake Lively, but this type of body image doesn't help anyone.
Some people might not believe it, but I was the fat kid growing up. Not that I'm thin now by any means, but people in the Midwest think that I'm about the size of a gummy bear, so they don't believe me when I say I'm the biggest female in my family, in both height and weight. All the little Asian girls with wafer thin frames and the surfer girls with their toned cores and arms gave me a sense that I was different, and I am. My cousins and brother are all athletic or thin and my Mom used to remind me she weighed 90 lbs when she graduated high school. Being 5' 2" and 135 lbs in paradise, surrounded by bikinis is not rough, but it's not a picnic either. I wouldn't consider myself big-boned or husky, but I'm not delirious enough to ignore that my ethnic counterparts are thinner than I am. However, I spent too much of my life putting myself down, telling myself that I was not good enough when it came to appearances or brains or achievements. Eventually, I found the confidence I needed in order to feel like myself in my own skin.
I could be a cliche and say that, "I found myself in college," but it's more true than not. I found friends that hung out with me because of my personality, sense of humor and life perspectives, as opposed to being the girl with a significant other and no friends. I found new friends that I felt respected me and enjoyed my company and I continued to hang out with high school friends who still kept in touch after all these years. I realized that half the battle of being comfortable with yourself is surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good about who you are.
After moving to the Midwest, I know it's harder to keep in touch with friends, but I know that I still have them. Even if we don't speak on the phone everyday or have brunch on Sundays, I know I care about them. When we see each other, no matter how many days, weeks or months it's been, it's like we picked it up our relationship like it was yesterday. Flight benefits don't hurt either.
Now, far away from everything I've ever known, I blog about food, clothes, travel and my experiences. I embrace the things that give me happiness, despite how glutenous or self-absorbed they may seem. It makes me happy thinking about my friends and family reading this blog to get a view of my life, especially since I have a hard time picking up the phone. But I welcome the idea of friends and family calling, texting and emailing me to give me insight on their lives.
I still don't love my arms, or my waistline or having a part-time job despite my Bachelor's degree, but at least I love myself enough to know that these things don't define me. I love my family for supporting me and raising me to work hard for what I want. I love my friends for having my back and helping me blow off steam. And I love Bryan for making me feel beautiful no matter if I'm dolled up for a night out or in pajamas without makeup.
Learning to love myself is not saying that I don't want to improve. Of course I want to be better, who doesn't? But luckily I found someone who accepts me for who I am and embraces the good and encourages me through the not so good. If I didn't feel this way, I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to marry him and I'm so grateful to be in this place right now. If I didn't love myself, how could I truly love another?
So thank you to all of those people who loved me despite what I achieved, who I knew, what job I had or who I loved. If it weren't for all of you, I would not have known how to love honestly. If it weren't for all of you, I would not have found happiness.
-Akemi-chan
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