As terrible as it sounds, I occasionally base my life off of TV shows. I compare myself to TV show scenarios more than magazines or Victoria Secret models. So as I sit here on the couch watching Friends and Sex and the City, I recognize that I don't have these open, vulnerable, sisterhood types of relationships.
I've heard from so many of my girlfriends say that I've missed out of life by not having a sister, and maybe that's the kind of thing I've been missing. I've always had an easier time getting along with men than women. I kind of have this social barrier when it comes to meeting new people and building friendships.
I thought of vulnerability as weakness and alleyways for people to sabotage you behind your back, whether it be intentional or not. Every time I got emotional and open up about something, it was about general improvement and working towards a goal, rather than just sharing for sharing purposes. Not to mention my fear of sharing and then being judged.
I always had short term "girlfriends." We'd hang out and watch movies together, go shopping and eat lunch together, but at the end of the day, we almost always kinda drifted apart. Maybe this kind of reinforced the notion of limiting vulnerability. Why open up about stuff and share the crazy thoughts that are in my head, if the person isn't going to be around for very long.
In the end I feel like this mentality was like shooting myself in the foot. By choosing not to share, no one gets close to you and are more likely to leave. So in a way my fear of people getting too close helped people keep their distance.
So for this year I've decided to change and put myself out there more. I should share more, even if it's little things like a text message or over a glass of wine. I can't be afraid of getting hurt or being overexposed. Shaking this habit is going to be rough, but I'll have to make conscious efforts to communicate more.
Ok, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
-Akemi-chan
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